(Published in the Star on 19 Dec 2012)

An ability to listen well could bring many benefits

There is something special about Aishah when she is with people. They open up to her easily as she connects very fast with them. Within a short time, you will find her immersed in a deep conversation with them . as if they have known each other for years. Her friends are envious and awed by her “magical powers” as even some of their long lost friends are closer to Aishah than with them! No wonder, she has so many friends. She gets things done with little difficulty as there are many who are willing to help her. In the office, people like to be led by her. All these contribute to her fast climb up the corporate ladder, a fulfilling life with a loving family and an interesting social life.

In this Lesson 8, we shall understand the power of listening, and why it is one of the greatest human activities that we need to learn to be good at. It also explains why when people are good at it, like Aishah, they can succeed well in many areas of their lives.

What Is Aishah’s Gift Of Listening Like?

Definitely Aishah’s gift for listening is not about her ability to sit down patiently or to “look pretty” while the other party pours out her heart to her. She has to do more than this; she works hard on listening with her ears, eyes, heart and head so that she gets a full picture of the person. Poor listeners only use their ears but this is good only for hearing the words and their tone. By extending listening to her eyes, Aishah can observe their body language; her heart, their feelings; and t her head to makes sense of all the three channels of information. That is why Aishah has this extraordinary gift of listening.

When we listen only with the ears it is listening at level one or self- centered listening. We also call this “pasar malam” listening as we are listening impatiently and hurriedly, similar to when we are in a “pasar malam.”

When we listen patiently and caringly, we move down to level two or empathetic listening or “fine dining” listening. We are then like two people who are in a nice cosy place for dinner, who l have dedicated time for each other without any distraction. Each has time and patience to capture exactly what the other is saying and its meaning. Obviously, Aishah listens at this level, which explains why people like her, for they feel comfortable and important. It is certain that she has a good habit of asking questions every now and then, like “What do you mean? Tell me more, and also make remarks like, “This is interesting, I like what you say”, etc.

Aishah goes further whenever there is a need to go even deeper to listening at level three where she places the person at the center of her universe with every part of her communicating with them. It is really like “falling in love” kind of listening between two lovers who are simply immersed in each other. No wonder some of her friends say that when they are with her, they gain intuition and insights to solve issues or gain clarity in many things that were cloudy before.

Why Aishah’s Friends Have Difficulties in Listening

If Aishah’s friends have difficulties in listening, it could be their inability to handle their ego. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle of all. When our ego is big, we have this attitude of we know it all. People with big egos hurt others because they make assumptions about what others are saying, even interrupting w people are speaking halfway! They form quick conclusions, interpreting the situation according to what they “arrogantly” feel is right.

Many things happen because of this. Misunderstanding and miscommunication arise. People get hurt, even insulted because they feel that they are not listened to. But Aishah treats everyone as an individual who is more important than her. She puts the spotlight on them, giving them more space and time to talk while she spends time soaking in what they are saying and expressing. They feel confident and motivated when they are with her.

How Much Did You Learn From Here?

1) Describe how Aishah listens.

2) Why can’t her friends be like her?

3) What do people feel when they area around Aisha?

4) How does one feel when one is not listened to?

5) How close is your listening to Aishah’s, and why?