(Published in the Star on 2 Jan 2013)

Learn how to improve your listening skills in a structured and organized manner

There is a joke that says that one reason why many of us are poor listeners is because there is no competition on listening well that compels us to be good at it! There is about every other competition in the world except in listening. Name it; we have running, mountain climbing, sailing, eating, drinking and even the “teh tarik” competition but nothing on listening. No wonder people take listening for granted as there is no incentive to be good at it!

In this Lesson 9, we shall convert the concept and principles of listening into the “how to” to help us improve our listening skills in a structured and organised manner.

What Is The Starting Point To Be A Good Listener?

Like doing everything else, it starts with a strong belief that listening is a very important communication activity. It is probably more important than anything else, even more important than speaking.

When we truly believe in this, somehow our behaviours will be influenced accordingly. We become deeply curious and interested in what the person is saying, soaking in both their words, meanings and feelings because we really want to make full sense of what they are trying to express.

Automatically too we will speak lesser and listen more so that we give space for the other person to speak more than us.

How To Deal With Distractions When Listening?

There are many forms of distraction, from being occupied with some activity that we are doing at the same time, switching off because we are not interested to engage with our inner self talks because we are preoccupied with something that concerns us at the moment. Whatever it may be, they have a huge impact on our listening effectiveness. So the first thing to do is to be aware and consciously keep catching ourselves doing any of these things, including ordering ourselves to “stop it!”

One common distraction is when the other person is not speaking in the way we want them to be.

It is easy to be irritated, uncomfortable and losing our patience with them. Practice calmness while at the same time be compassionate with them while you listen to the content of their message rather than judging them on their delivery.

How To Encourage Others To Speak More?

One reason why we are discouraged to speak more is because the other person is not paying attention to us when we are speaking. The best clue to this is in our eye contact; they are either looking at somewhere else, or wavering here and there like as if they are day dreaming. Eye contact has to be strong for us to listen well and also for the speaker to know we are really listening to them.

Another way is to display occasional listening sounds and gestures for instance, “Hmm”, “I see”, “Oh”, ‘thank you for sharing with me”, to body language ones like nodding with body bending forward, etc. They all go a long way to boost the speaker’s confidence and openness to speak more.

Why Is Interjecting Necessary?

It may be rude doing this when in social conversation but it is a must when in a coaching conversation to interject once in a while. The rationale is not only to steer the conversation to the right course, it is also to help the speaker to be aware of what they are saying.

Some interjecting questions are: “Can you explain this again? What do you mean? Is this what you mean?” Timing is important to find the “right moment” to do so. Some ways are: find a pause when they stop talking for a while, ask for permission to go in, or raise our voice volume a little louder to gently drown theirs.

Finally, find occasions to enthuse or praise the person for what they are sharing with you.

How Much Did You Learn From Here?

1) What is the first thing you need to do in order to be a good listener?

2) How do you stay in focus when you are listening?

3) What are some sure ways of killing the speaker’s enthusiasm?

4) Why is interjecting encouraged in a coaching conversation?

5) What will you change in your listening style in order to be a better listener?